ON BEING UNCONVENTIONALLY PRETTY( OR CONVENTIONALLY UNPRETTY)

First things first; don’t worry, I’m not fishing for compliments. I know such posts usually put people in an awkward situation. “This girl is calling herself ugly, now what am I supposed to say?” No, I am not trashing myself, or wallowing in self pity. I happen to regard myself quite highly, in fact. I just thought it would be good to give you a glimpse of the world through the eyes of an unconventionally pretty person. As a young child, I had  an abnormally high self esteem. I suppose all children are like that. I, literally, believed I could do just about anything. Sing in front of the church congregation? You bet I can! Bake a cake in a jam tin? It’ll turn out great! Write a composition? I’ll give you a Nobel prize winning essay! And along with believing I could do anything, I knew I could be anything.  My life plan(and I was dead serious on this) was to be a model-singer-writer-neurosurgeon-super mom.  Yes, it was. And was I pretty? Come on, I could probably knock that Miss World woman right off her throne. Well, then adolescence happened, and slowly but surely, that ludicrous optimism was shed, like autumn leaves, to pave way for a hefty serving of pessimism, with a seasoning of teenage angst and self consciousness. The voice inside my head, as I’m sure it did for many of you guys, spent countless hours convincing me that I would never be good enough. “Special? Hah, there are 7 billion people on this earth, how exactly are you unique?” Also, of course, came the age for awkward romance. At this point, I realized I was unconventionally pretty. There was a distinct difference between the way I was treated and the way particular friends were treated by boys. I doubt that I need to delve into details about what conventional beauty is. Just picture your typical pretty person. Yes, that is conventional beauty. It is not hard to pick out because it is agreed upon by a majority of the population. And the unconventionally pretty…that’s the rest of the population. The population that doesn’t get stares of admiration, or people who stammer when conversing with them, or reassurance that the guy /girl they like surely must like them back because, well, “look at this face.” So, this unconventional beauty, how did it work exactly ? The unspoken guide for us was to be outstanding in the background-to never delude ourselves into thinking we were conventionally beautiful, yet to be confident and not feel sorry for ourselves, because that would just be sad and embarrassing.  So with this invisible guide in hand, I set out to conquer life, albeit a little less starry eyed as I was before. I started off pretty bad ,I admit. I was engrossed in self pity, wondering why I had to be this way. I was the poster girl for low self esteem disguised by a cheery, sociable demeanor. Then, I realized, my unconventional beauty was not a curse. It also was not a gift. It was simply there, a part of me, that would not deter nor boost my dreams. I could either choose to let it engulf me, or to push it  aside and say, “Not now, I’m busy.” I chose the latter. And it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  I guess what I’m trying to say, in many confusing sentences, is that I’m unconventionally pretty, and I survived. And I’m not just existing , I’m living. I hope you can all do the same.

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6 comments

  1. waltermukira · July 15, 2014

    Im sorry but you are so beautiful like physically. You were mine once. Do i look like to settle with the warm muffin or hot cake? Men fear seriousness and morality and intelligence are signs of it. Its intimidating…. hey!! Maybe ive just given you a new blog topic.
    WHY MODERN SPARTANS FEAR AMAZONS?

    • Jackie · May 20, 2015

      😀

  2. Josiah Walutsachi · July 24, 2014

    ‘Unconventianal beauty’.In other words, a half-full glass?While you accepted and moved on, you are now (maybe unwittingly) setting a standard of physical appearance as the essence of ‘convential’ feminity.Did I get that right?
    That said, I think its fine kufungua roho.I also think you are the best writer I’ve read of your age.You writing is marvelous.

  3. The Dealmaker · May 4, 2015

    Every person has beauty at some point in their lifetime. Usually in different degrees. Sometimes they have the looks when they’re a baby and they don’t have it when they’re grown up, but then they could get it back again when they’re older. Or they might be fat but have a beautiful face. Or have bow-legs but a beautiful body. Or be the number one female beauty and have no tits. Or be the number one male beauty and have a small you-know-what.

    Some people think it’s easier for beauties, but actually it can work out a lot of different ways. If you’re beautiful you might have a pea-brain. If you’re not beautiful you might not have a pea-brain, so it depends on the pea-brain and the beauty. The size of the beauty. And the pea-brain.

  4. Jackie · May 20, 2015

    Completely relatable and so brilliantly articulated. It’s like I thought that but I could never explain it until you gave me the words. Excellent writing!

  5. The other Kenyan girl · May 23, 2015

    Beautiful piece. Good work. Keep writing. I’ve always thought somebody should write a piece on this.

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